there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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