His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
