There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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