Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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