I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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