We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
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