i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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