Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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