Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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