you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
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