WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
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