So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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