You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
