I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize