yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
