dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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