My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
