The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
