I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
