Yo dont text me then not text me
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
