Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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