Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
