got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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