And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
