I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
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