Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Randomize
