Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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