we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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