I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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