I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
