Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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