cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
