I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
