I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
