I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize