Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
