im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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