Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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