Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
