I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize