and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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