O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
