I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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