apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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