He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
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