this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
We need to get me chipped asap
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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