Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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