the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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