I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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