I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
