I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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