so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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