I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
