3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize