Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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