Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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