Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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