You made me cry and you don't even care
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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