Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
