Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
