I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
