i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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