you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
