I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
