wrigley field is MILF paradise
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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