I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
did i just pee glitter
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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