new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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