She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
