sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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